


Shelly Cooper and Penn

by Alrym



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/M, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderbending, Genderswap, Rule 63, feel free to lecture me which is the right tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2020-05-14 22:03:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19282072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alrym/pseuds/Alrym
Summary: Mary Cooper says, 'There is a lock for every key.' Penn has no idea about that as he knows neither her nor her daughter or was told about that. He being labeled the key to Shelly's heart is preposterous, hilarious, and ... Why he ends up with her all the time? He really does not know.





	1. Nice to meet You

**Author's Note:**

> An attempt to rectify the serious lack of gender bender stories for Big Bang Theory.

 

Penn put the box down. He grinned, this was quite the workout! Maybe he should move more often. “Bad thought!” he whispered at himself. His face turned dark over memories. There was a not so pleasant reason for moving in the first place. He was so lost in thought, he did not even notice he was no longer alone.

“Hi,” a voice said.

Penn turned around and saw a couple. A really weird one. A small guy and a woman as tall as himself stood beyond his apartment door peering inside. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” The woman answered.

Penn could not help himself and think that she was probably even too tall for a model.

“Hi,” the guy said a second time.

Penn and the woman both stared at him. He laughed nervously.

“Are you drunk?” The woman hissed. “You just drove our car! Don’t tell me you’re drunk,” She leaned over and sniffed. “You don’t smell of alcohol. Don’t tell me you consumed drugs! Do I need to inform you how dangerous that is? Give me a minute. I'll show you some charts,” She stepped to the door across the hall.

“No, I’m not drunk and/or drugged,” The guy hissed now that he had gotten a chance to edge a word in. “And I don’t want to see any charts or numbers right now. I was just my normal awkward self. You should be used to it. Could we just sweep it under the carpet for once?”

“Nothing will be swept under the carpet!” The woman squeaked almost panicky, “Do I have to get the roommate agreement?”

“It's just a saying,” He groaned, “Shelly, please, let us introduce ourselves and then we can have this discussion in our apartment okay?”

The woman had opened their door but had yet to cross the threshold, “That’s acceptable,”

“Awesome,” Nameless guy sighed. “That’s Shelly and I’m Leonard,”

“Call me Penn,” Everyone just called him that since he wanted it that way. And even more important because he was tall and buff enough to get his will.

“Before you ask, yes my name is actually Shelly. No, it is not a diminutive. Yes, I’m serious. I even got a twin sister named Missy,” The lanky woman glared at him as if he had personally offended her.

Penn had no idea what to think. Maybe he pitied her boyfriend. He stage whispered, “You’ve got yourself quite the catch there,”

“Oh, we’re not a couple! Not at all,” Leonard hurriedly explained, “We’re just roommates,”

“Really?” Penn asked baffled.

“Yes, really.” Shelly said categorically, “There is, was and there will never be something between us,” She turned around with a huff and stalked into their apartment

“So you secretly love her?” Penn whispered.

Leonard turned white as a sheet, “No! No. No, there is nothing. No feelings. Definitely, nothing! We’re just friends. No physical component,”

“Then why are you...” Penn hesitated. He had no idea how to finish that sentence politely. “Anyway, have a nice day,”

“See you,” Leonard said chipperly.

Turning back to his boxes, Penn thought that was that. He bent down to check out why this particular box was so heavy. He found his dumbbells. He picked them up and mused where to put them.

Once more he did not notice the guy sneaking up on him. “Do you want to eat with us?” Leonard asked. “We have enough take-out for the three of us. We were expecting two friends but they texted us they wouldn’t make it today.” He held his phone up. “I know moving can be exhausting and you’ve probably not eaten for quite some time, so if you want some?”

A growl of Penn's stomach made Leonard grin.

 

 


	2. Her First Motorcycle Ride

Knock, knock, knock, “Penn!”

Knock, knock, knock, “Penn!”

Knock, knock, knock, “Penn!”

Penn wanted to scream. But he couldn't because he didn't want to traumatize Shelly. And who else would announce her present like that? He yanked the door open and asked in a barely controlled voice, “Do you know how late it is?”

“Good morning, Penn.” Shelly checked her phone to answer his question.

“Nothing is good about this morning! It is not even morning yet.” He really wasn't a morning person.

Shelly ignored his outbreak, “It’s almost eight o’clock.”

Penn held his own phone right under Shelly’s nose. “It is not even half past seven.”

“It’s a matter of perspective. If you consider...”

“If you lecture me, I’ll slam the door in your face,” Penn warned the physicist. Naturally, he would make sure, that it would not hit her but that was not the point.

Shelly's mouth snapped shut.

After having vented his frustration, Penn whined, “What do you even want?”

“I need a ride.”

“A ride?”

“I need to get to the university.”

Penn was confused and his voice gave this fact away. He made a mental note to train expressing this mood once he was alone in front of his mirror. “Leonard will take you to the university – like every other day.”

“He’s unavailable.”

“How?” Penn regretted asking the moment the short word had left his mouth. He hurriedly added, “Short version!”

Shelly's nostrils flared in annoyance but she complied, “For the foreseeable future he’ll be working at night.”

Penn grumbled under his breath, “Bastard.”

Naturally, Shelly's uncanny hearing picked the word up without a hitch. “Leonard wasn't born out of wedlock. He has an older sister who was also born in wedlock. Just like his younger brother. His parents live in a monogamous relationship which they officialized on...”

When it came apparent that Shelly wasn't going to stop in the near future, Penn pulled the verbal emergency brake, “Stop! New rule. No lectures on Leonard's family history before brunch time.”

“Brunch time is not an unambiguously defined...”

“Eleven o'clock! No lectures on Leonard's family history before eleven o'clock.”

“Noted.” Shelly gave him a curt nod. “So you'll drive me?”

Penn just gave in. He just couldn't handle debating with Shelly this early in the morning. He unceremonially pulled the pants lying on his couch over his boxers and slipped into some shoes.

“Are you not going to brush your teeth?” Shelly asked alarmed when he pulled the door close.

“No.” And before Shelly could ask about all the other things he wasn't going to do he asked a question of his own, “I didn't even know there was a night shift at the university?”

While following him downstairs, Shelly explained, “There is no such thing as a night shift at the university. The mere thought is ridiculous.”

“Why is Leonard working at night than?”

“He is using the laser lab.”

“And why is he doing so at night?”

“Other projects got priority over his. And he can only use the new high energy laser at night times.”

“Sounds to me like he got the night shift.”

Penn stepped from the sidewalk and next to his motorcycle. It was a jet-black air-cooled cruiser with lots of shiny chrome. It was no Harley but it was the next best thing.

“Where is your car?” Shelly asked flabbergasted.

“This is my bike,” Penn gestured at it.

“You got a motorcycle?” The wide-eyed look on Shelly's face was almost worth being woken early.

“Yes.” Penn held the two helmets up. “What did you think these were for?”

“Additional protection,” Shelly answered in a tone as if he was the one who had gotten something wrong.

Penn was confused. “Who wears a helmet in a car?”

“Racing drivers,” Shelly answered without missing a beat. “I would always wear a helmet in a car too if Leonard had not vetoed it.”

“Well, I got a bike and no car.” Penn gestured at his baby. “It’s either this or you call a cab... or take the bus... or whatever... You're the genius. Figure something out.” That should have been his answer back up in his apartment! Penn cursed in the privacy of his head.

“I can’t rely on public transportation. There is not enough time left. I'd be late for work.” Shelly shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

“Everyone is late once in a while. You won't get fired over this – will you?” Penn really had no idea.

“No, I wouldn't. My work is groundbreaking and I'm the only person who can do it. I can't be fired. Firing me is unthinkable.” Penn tried to ingrain her tone into his brain. If he could pull that off...

Out loud he said, “Well problem solved. Just take the bus.”

“No, being late is unacceptable.” Shelly stated matter of factly.

Penn tried to silently count to ten. At five he snapped, “You want that ride or not? I'll either go back to sleep or drive you to work. Decide!”

Shelly gulped and after taking a very long look finally answered, “I'll take the ride.”

“Glad you made up your mind.” He held one helmet out to her.

Shelly eyed it suspiciously. “Who wore this last?”

“Nobody, it’s new,” Penn said once more struggling to keep calm. It was just too early! “I bought it to replace the one my ex threw away.”

Shelly turned it in her hands and sniffed at it. When she found the new-smell, she gave a sharp nod and declared, “Excellent, I’ll take it then. From now on, this will be my helmet.”

“It is mine,” Penn gasped in annoyance, “I paid for it after all!”

“I’ll compensate you.”

He really had enough of this. “Just put it on, so we can go.” He finished their discussion by putting his own helmet on. It was way too early to argue with Shelly.

Surprises over surprises... Shelly needed help to get onto the motorcycle. She fidgeted around so awkwardly that Penn felt the need to tell her to hold onto him and not let go under any circumstances.

He drove extra cautiously. Shelly clung onto him like her life depended on it. If she had had more strength in her upper arms it might have become a problem. But as it was, she was nowhere strong enough to hamper his breathing. Naturally, like all first riders on a bike, she leaned into the wrong directions when they drove around a curve.

Overall it wasn't too bad. When Shelly asked, “Will you pick me up at five?” he gave her a nod.

 


	3. Queen Penelope

Establishing a routine with Shelly was unavoidable. Her entire life went by a schedule. She planned her work meticulously and went as far as reserving time slots for thinking over certain aspects of her projects.

If anything her private life was just as rigorously clocked. She was more obsessed with her food plan than a nutrition consultant. She had scheduled an afternoon for comic books, an evening for Halo, and there was a fixed time slot for washing her clothes. Not to mention her much dreaded potty training journals...

Penn was not sure if he got stuck with her and the other three scientists despite or because of the inflexibility of everything. He had tried to figure it out for a while. Ultimately, he concluded that it was probably just the convenience of it all. Leonard and Shelly lived across the hall and submitting to Shelly’s routines and having Thai food every Monday was better than eating alone.

But it was not all enforced routines. He really enjoyed some of their activities and those he did not he could always walk out on. Paintball had become one of his favorite pastimes. He also enjoyed some of the computer games his neighbors played which was why he was currently over at Apartment 4A.

Finally done with writing her background story, Shelly glanced over at his screen. “Your avatar can’t look like that!”

Penn noted the underlying anger contentedly.

“Like what? Did you...” Howard leaned over to take a look and instantly fell silent.

This attracted both Raj’s and Leonard’s curiosity.

Penn put on his best innocent voice, “I don’t see why not? You’re a female and created yourself a male character while I’m a male with a female character. I can’t see how that’s any different.”

The theoretical physicist snapped, “Your avatar looks like me!”

“Well, it’s only fair.” Penn shrugged his shoulders. “Your avatar looks like me.”

“My avatar looks like Chris Hemsworth in Thor!” Shelly announced self-righteously, “Tall, burly, blond hair, that chin.” She pointed at her screen.

“No. It looks like me.” Penn squinted his eyes. “Yes, definitely me. What do you think Raj?”

Raj had been staring silently over both of their shoulders and on their respective laptop screens. When Penn tried to include him he lifted his hands defensively and hurried back to sit on his spot on the floor.

“Howard?” Penn asked but Howard was whispering madly with Raj. “Okay, what’s your opinion, Leonard?” Penn turned Shelly’s laptop so that her roommate could finally take a look.

Leonard blanched visibly. “I think, that you two should discuss that and leave me out of it.”

Shelly batted Penn’s fingers off her laptop and started wiping it. “I couldn’t get my avatar closer to Chris Hemsworth! The options for facial modifications are severely limited.”

“So, you’re telling me that it’s just bad luck that he looks like me?” Penn asked incredulously.

“Exactly!” A sharp nod highlighted Shelly’s answer.

“Well,” Penn stretched the word. “I guess, it is only bad luck then that my avatar just happens to look like you.”

Shelly glared at him. She hissed through gritted teeth, “Fine! I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m just asking you for one thing.”

Penn instantly had a bad feeling about this. Shelly never admitted defeat. “Um... really?”

“Just explain to me how did it happen that your character ‘accidentally’ looks like me. Were you trying to model it after someone famous? Or how does this qualify to have happened ‘accidentally’?”

There was only the obvious explanation why Penn’s avatar looked like Shelly and they all knew it. “Hey, look I can make her stumble and fall on her face.” On his screen, Queen Penelope stumbled over a crate.

Howard was the only one who snickered.

“I’m fine with you playing an Amazon,” Shelly started. “They are a versatile character class and certainly more valuable than the sorcerer Howard wants to play but you have to remodel the looks of your avatar.”

“I’ll only remake my character if you do so as well,” Penn answered stubbornly.

  



	4. How Penn got birthday cakes from Shelly

“Shelly?” Penn entered Apartment 4a. “Why did I receive an invitation for your brother’s wedding?” He waved the letter around dramatically in front of her face.

The theoretical physicist slumped in her spot. “Because I’ve verified with my mom that I’d bring a plus one to his wedding.” She whined, “It’s so unfair, why do I even have to bring a plus one? It’s not like I’m the one going to marry.”

“And you told your mom that you'd bring me?” Penn asked incredulously. “Take someone else. I’m sure Leonard would be happy...”

“I can't take Leonard,” Shelly replied categorically.

Penn waited for an explanation. When none was offered, he asked, “And why can't you take Leonard?”

“He was my ‘date’” Shelly added air quotes to the word, “for my sister’s wedding. If he is my ‘date’ for a second wedding,  _ Pastor _ Jeff will tell us to finally get married ourselves.”

“Well,” Penn could understand why Shelly did not want to hear that. “I guess you'll have to go on your own then.”

“I can't! Mom wrote explicitly it wouldn't be a problem if I came on my own.”

“There you go!” Penn said in relief.

“Because she'd find me someone from church to attend the ceremony with me!” Shelly shuddered dramatically. “Maybe even Billy.”

“But…”

“Look. I don’t want to go too. I know it’s a waste of time.” Shelly suddenly jumped from her spot on the couch, “But even my brother’s second wedding counts as a non-optional social convention. If he keeps going at this rate I’m going to attend twelve more weddings of his before this is over!” She threw her arms up and stormed out of the room.

“Damn non-optional social conventions!” Leonard said cheerily.

“I won’t go!” Penn answered firmly.

* * *

Somehow, non-optional social conventions had become a thing for Penn too. He did not understand how or when but at a scheduled date he found himself in Texas. Shelly’s mom was sitting at the head of the table. Missy sat right next to her and was leaning over the list in her mom’s hands. Shelly sat opposite of her twin sister. Her arms were crossed in defiance. Penn sat next to her and felt clueless. He still tried to figure out how he had owed Shelly the favor she had called in.

“Shelly’s task is to make the cake,” Mary announced. Aimed at Penn she said, “Your job will be to help her. Driving her to the store to get ingredients and so on.”

“Shelly can bake?” Penn asked in disbelief.

The list in front of Mrs. Cooper’s nose got lowered. “Every female Cooper can bake,” Mary stated categorically. “But... Shelly was gifted with the ability to make the most heavenly bakery you’ll ever find.”

“Really?” It was hard to believe. He had never seen Shelly cook anything – or bake for that matter.

“Shelly had a lot of opportunities to learn how to do it right.” Missy grinned from ear to ear. “I can’t remember even a single week without her baking at least one cake.”

Penn frowned. Something about the way Missy said it was off.

“Every time she had to apologize for something she also had to bake an I-am-sorry-cake,” The way Missy said it summoned the mental picture of her watching her twin while she had to bake.

Penn smirked. “You owe me a lot of cakes.”

“That’s a rule only applied in Texas.” Shelly gasped in panic. “It’s not a California rule!”

Mary send her a withering glare, “Shelly what did you do?”

“Nothing!” In an attempt to change topics she asked, “How many people are going to come to George’s wedding anyway?”

Wonders never cease! Mary looked back at the list. “One hundred eight...”

“… twelve!” Missy added after checking her smartphone.

Shelly mewled, “That's five times as many as last time.”

“We’re all aware of that, Shelly,” Mary said evenly. “Your brother invited not only family but friends this time as he can afford a bigger wedding.”

Soon after their war council, Penn got the keys for a car and fulfilled the first half of his task by driving Shelly around town.

When they returned Mary had dinner ready. Shelly was ecstatic as her mom had spaghetti with hot dogs ready for them. Afterward, she broke the news to them, “Penn you can sleep in Missy’s bed.”

“No, he can’t!” Shelly gasped in shock. “Missy’s bed is in my room.”

“It’s our room,” Missy butted in.

“But you’ll be sleeping at your place and I’ll be sleeping in my room.”

“Yes, I'm sleeping at my place. But it's still our room.”

“He can’t sleep in my room. We would be sleeping in the same room,” Shelly looked at her mom.

Missy rolled her eyes. “There are separate beds.”

“But I’m a… and he...” Shelly stuttered.

It was almost comical for Penn. Too bad, that the joke was on his expanse. Spending a night in the same room as Shelly would probably be very taxing.

* * *

The next day was spend with baking cake and pie. They made so much it was ridiculous. Penn wondered who was supposed to eat all the stuff until he licked the icing from a spatula when Shelly was looking the other way. He instantly decided to seize as many leftovers as possible.

Around noon the bride-to-be came around. Her name was Ann. She had blond hair, wore cock bottle glasses and an honest smile on her face. Between Penn and the three Cooper women, she was by far the smallest person in the kitchen. “You must be Shelly! I’ve heard so much about you.”

Penn saw Ann’s arms twitch. He was pretty sure that she wanted to hug Shelly but had been told enough to suppress the urge.

“Yes, that’s Shelly,” Missy confirmed. “Shelly, that’s Ann. ...” And then Missy rattled on and started talking to Ann. She gave her twin sister not even an opportunity to say hello.

* * *

On the day of the wedding, once more crucial information was imparted on Penn, “Your job will be to keep Shelly from annoying too many people.” Missy’s phone beeped. She glanced at it and rolled her eyes in annoyance. Without looking up and while texting somebody, she said, “It would probably be good if you acted a little bit out of place. We told Shelly that she’s supposed to keep you company so you don’t run into any problems with Texans.”

“And she believed that?”

“It was just a matter of selling it to her,” Missy winked at him. “I implied that there were other tasks she could take over if she thought you would be alright on a party where you knew nobody. Surprisingly, she offered to keep you company.”

The moment of truths came to an abrupt end when Mary and Shelly entered the room. “You should really let your hair grow longer.”

“No, I don’t want that,” Shelly whined, “It tickles.”

* * *

“Shelly, I also want you to dance with Pen,” Mary said suddenly. “That’s what those dancing lessons were meant for.”

“But mo-om,” Shelly whined in that petulant manner Penn had witnessed so many times over the past days.

“Don’t you talk back to me,” Mary said sternly.

Hours later, Shelly held her hand out to Penn with a huff. He took it and was surprised quite a bit. Shelly could dance. And it was nice to do so on top of it. She was tall and thus Penn had not to bend down. She was also quite apt at following his lead. Even her usual awkwardness was forgotten. A raised arm and a small tap made her twirl almost like a professional dancer.

* * *

Back on a plane to California Shelly hissed, “Don’t you dare to tell anybody we shared a room. Or that I can dance. Or that I can bake. Or that I’m required to bake apology cakes in Texas.”

“If I found a cake once in a while on my threshold I might be willing to lie to our mutual friends.”

“Nothing of that would qualify as a lie! We’re merely not imparting some facts.”

“You know,” Penn mused, “I know the date of your birthday.”

Shelly gasped in shock, “No, you don’t!”

“I do. Your sister told me.”

“No, she didn’t! She can’t. She promised to never tell anybody.”

“Technically, she told me the date of her birthday but since you’re twins...”

Shelly’s eyes widened when she realized the giant loophole she had overlooked. Penn could only shake his head in disbelieve and remember how hard Missy had laughed when she had told the story behind the promise to Penn.

“You can’t tell anybody!” Shelly urged him. “I don’t want any presents. If I get presents I have to supply presents as well.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m not telling anybody.”

Shelly breathed a sigh of relief.

“But I’m going to bake you a birthday cake. It won’t be very good but you’ll still be required to bake me one in return.”

“No!” Shelly gasped when she recognized the quid pro quo argument. She had used it on Penn to bully him into accompanying her. “You can’t do that, everyone will know.”

“Well, the alternative is that you bake me a birthday cake without me having to return the favor. But that would be quite the uneven deal. Don’t you think so?”

“N-no, it's alright.”


	5. Greenland Betrayal

Penn spoke into the speaker of his phone, “Yes, Mrs. Cooper, without professional supervision,”

“... . … .”

After listening for a few moments it was once more his turn to speak, “Something around three or maybe four months.”

“... ?”

“I'm not completely sure about it now that you ask me. But three months minimum.” Penn shuffled from one foot to the other. Calling moms was not easy.

“... ? … ?”

“Well, I'm sorry I got no eidetic memory like her.” He flinched upon hearing the tone of his voice. His snippy remark had been uncalled for.

“... !” Mrs. Cooper's answer was expectably short and very clearly worded.

“I'm sorry I didn't mean to be snippy.”

“… . … . … .” This time around, Mrs. Cooper had quite a lot to say.

After nodding a few times Penn was finally given the opportunity to confirm, “Yes, that’s what I think too.”

“... . ... ?”

“No.” He shook his head despite his conversation partner's inability to see it. “I think that won’t be a problem. I don't worry about her and the guys. They are alright.”

“... .”

Mrs. Cooper canceled the call and Penn sunk into his couch. He felt miserable. Selling Shelly out like this was just wrong. But what was the alternative? Letting her leave the city and travel to one of the last places on earth which lay outside of the reach of civilization? She was not made for a stunt like that.

Penn still felt awful. Even though, he knew it had been the right thing to do. At the end of the day, Shelly could still go if she decided to. She was a grown woman. She was, in fact, older than him! Unsurprisingly, the thought made it not easier for him. He knew Shelly wouldn't oppose her mother. Shelly's perspective on life included her mom as the definition of authority. And no matter how much she was of a different opinion, Shelly would not stand up to her. That was the whole point of the call after all.

A well-established knocking routine startled Penn out of his thoughts. He glanced at the clock and realized that the conversation over the telephone between Shelly and her mom must have ended.

“Come in. It's open.”

Upon entering, Shelly said, “It's unsafe to not lock your door.”

“I'll be alright.”

“Security is an issue. You shouldn't be so negligent about it.”

Penn huffed. If he gave in on this, maybe they could get the real discussion started, “Fine. From now on, I'll make sure to always lock the door. Is there something else you wanted to talk about?”

Shelly glared at him. “Yes.” Pause. “You called my mom!”

“I had to,” Penn said apologetically.

Shelly answered in a sharp tone, “You had no right to call my mom!”

“Well, that’s your opinion. I thought I was obligated to do so.” Penn took a deep breath and said for the hundredths time. “Shelly, that expedition is really dangerous. It's not like playing a computer game. You could get seriously injured or even die.”

“But it’s my chance to prove the existence of...”

“You’re a theoretical physicist!” Penn snapped before Shelly could get into full lecture mode on him. “As long as we’ve known each other you’ve always emphasized the word theoretical. You've not grown tired of pointing out that doing experiments is like... I don't know? Beneath you? For as long as I know you, you've never done a single experiment.”

“Why can't you see that this expedition is not your thing?” Penn asked in exasperation. “You have a list of not approved restaurants because of inadequate evacuation plans! How does that fit to traveling to Greenland? There won't be a medical doctor in a thousand miles. There is nobody to cook your food. There are no comics. No computer games. No nothing! Just a relentless ice dessert that could kill you in a few minutes.”

“You've got that neat clipboard of yours and you try to plan this Shelly. You’re slicing the trip into small exercises you think you can manage. But the reality will be a different one. You’re one of the very last persons who should do this. You're mentally not prepared to see this through. This is madness!”

“Don't you quote 300 on me!” Shelly snapped. “And I'll have you know that I'm mentally quite capable of seeing the expedition through.”

“Okay.” Penn folded his arms. “All you have to do is call your mom and tell her that you'll go even if she says no. All you’ll have to do is line up some words. Words you’ve said probably thousand times on their own.”

Shelly looked at him with saucer-like eyes.

“Can't do it?” Penn asked pointedly. “Well, then you better get the university to hire some professionals for your supervision. I'm sure if you manage that your mom will 'allow' you to go on that expedition.” Penn made very exaggerated air-quotes with his hands.

Shelly glared at him. Her nostrils flared. “You know what? That's exactly what I'll do!” Then she turned around and stormed out of his door, deliberately slamming it shut.

* * *

It had been a Saturday in Nebraska. Penn had been sent to buy flour and other stuff for his mother – but mostly flour – when it had happened. A boy had chased a ball onto the street. Penn had stomped the brake pedal into the floor. He managed to stop his father's truck from running him over with lots of space to spare. Penn’s heart was still hammering madly and he could have cried tears of happiness because his truck had stopped where it did.

The day Shelly told him, she would not be flying to Greenland he felt the same thing all over again. He even heard the screeching tires. And boy he couldn’t have cared less for her slamming his door shut.


	6. Watching Football

"Where is your new girlfriend?"

The question was out of context of the current discussion. But as five pairs of eyes focused on Penn it became quite obvious that nobody minded. Nobody but him. "I'm not sure whom you're talking about."

"I was told, you have a new girlfriend. So, where is she?" Julie took a sip so small from her white wine that it qualified as symbolic at the very most.

"I don't have a girlfriend." Penn frowned. "Who told you otherwise?"

Julie looked genuinely confused. "Shannon told me that Mike told her about that girl."

While Penn and Julie looked at each other, the heads of the other four women turned back and forth between them. It was almost like a tennis match.

"Which girl?"

"That's what I'm trying to find out."

"But, there is no girl."

"How come Mike saw you with her."

That was when Penn broke eye contact. He looked the room over to check for either Mike or his girlfriend Shannon but neither was present. "I have no idea who Mike saw and what gave him the impression that she was my girlfriend." He had half of a mind to call him.

"She came out of your door when he came over to visit you for… whatever you two watched."

"I had nobody over." Penn felt really confused. What had he and Mike watched anyway?

"Shannon told me, Mike told her, she was super tall and had really tomboyish hair."

That information did the trick. They had watched basketball and Mike must have run into a certain neighbor after she had fixed his sound system. There wasn't really a reason for it but somehow Penn didn't feel like talking about Shelly. Therefore he said, "When Mike first told me about Shannon. He described her hair as follows – and I quote – ‘She is blonde.' Nothing more. And now you're telling me, he used the word ‘tomboyish'?"

Julie blinked a few times. "Those were probably Shannon's words."

"Yeah, probably," Penn said and looked pointedly at his empty beer.

He was in the process of turning away to get himself a new one when Nicole handed him another beer.

Julie smirked. "So what's her name?"

He could have tried to play dumb for a little longer but with his beer-escape-plan ruined and the coin being tossed he was running out of time. The game was finally about to start. Accepting defeat, he said, "Mike probably saw my neighbor."

"Your neighbor?" Julie's head turned left and right like she meant to look through the walls and search for the woman in question. "You could have invited her over."

"I doubt that she would have been grateful for that invitation." Penn watched sourly as the special teams got in position on the TV screen.

"How do you want to know? Maybe she would have enjoyed meeting us."

Penn doubted that Shelly would have enjoyed being poked for information by Julie but he was not about to tell her about that. Instead, he said, "Her dad was a football coach. They watched all the games on TV. And naturally, she watched all of his games live. She never enjoyed them. I doubt that sentiment has changed since her dad passed away."

Julie exchanged meaningful looks with the other girls. Penn had no idea what they meant. But he instantly decided that he didn't want to find out and therefore retreated somewhat abruptly to his couch to watch the game. His male friends cast a protective shield over him because any interruption of the commentary was most definitely unwanted.

He stayed seated and only left his spot in short breaks to refill the chips bowl and fetch other munchies.

Half time was almost over when it happened. People were reclaiming their seats...

Knock, knock, knock, "Penn!"

He heard Shelly even over the TV and the noise of people speaking over each other.

Knock, knock, knock, "Penn!"

Her second repetition garnered some attention.

Knock, knock, knock, "Penn!"

When Penn left his armchair for the door. He was aware that most eyes were on his back. He stood in the middle of the doorway to shield Shelly from the multitude of curious glances. "Hey, sweetie."

"I need you to open this jar for me," Shelly announced and unceremoniously pushed a container at him.

Penn looked at said jar. The label read gherkins. "You've come over because you want me to open these? Seriously?"

"Yes, I'm serious," Shelly huffed, "I can assure you that I asked Leonard to open this for me. It was after all the most uncomplicated and the most time-saving course of action for this issue. However, me standing here and tells as much about his physical prowess as the still sealed jar."

In hindsight, Penn knew he should not have asked. He grabbed the jar and moments later the distinct sound of a vacuum being undone announced that the jar was now open. "There you go."

"Thank you." Shelly accepted the glass and turned to return to her apartment.

There was no need for Penn to look over his shoulder. When he dared to glance back nonetheless he saw all females in the room looking at him. He had to ask. They would not understand that his neighbor had not been trying to invite herself to his party. They did not know her like him.

When he finally called after Shelly it was almost too late. Her hand was already on the door handle. "Hey, we're watching the game. Want to join us?"

Shelly turned around. "Why did you have to ask me? Social protocol now dictates that I have to come over if I don't want to embarrass you."

"Well, I can hardly not invite you when you come over while I'm having a party."

Penn knew his counter was good when Shelly did not talk back but responded with a suffering look, "Fine, I'll participate in your social activity."

She pulled her door close then marched past him and into his apartment. She took one look at the guys stuffed onto the couch and another one at the girls. The guys were focused on the screen in front of him while the girls eyed her curiously.

She went straight for the couch and told Bill, "That's my spot."

"Your spot?" The tall guy blinked in confusion.

"I always sit there," Shelly stated.

Bill looked slowly left and right. There were no other spots in front of the TV.

Before he could come to the conclusion that he didn't want to stand up, Penn intervened, "You can sit in my armchair."

That it was the more comfortable seat was probably the only reason Bill stood up.

However, Shelly did not sit down. Instead, she went over to the kitchen area and put her gherkins away. Then, she opened two other cupboards. Upon her return to the couch, Shelly brought a wet cloth and several coasters. Penn had no idea where either came from.

"Lift your glasses and bottles!" She ordered.

The guys obeyed out of reflex – even Bill.

Shelly wiped the table and placed the coasters. Once she was done, she sat down and took a look at the screen. "Which quarter?"

"Third," grunted Bill.

"Just started," added Dan from next to her.

The girls who had been watching Shelly broke their silence almost like someone had given them a secret command. Their chatting resumed with renewed vigor.

Penn felt a little bit awkward after ceding his own place. But he also thought it was a really bad idea to leave Shelly on her own. Plus, he didn't dare go anywhere near the girls when they were like this. Therefore, he sat on the armrest of his couch.

Shelly looked sharply at him.

"What? I'm not even touching you."

Shelly frowned but surprisingly said nothing. Luckily the short commercial break ended and her attention was drawn back to the TV.

After a few minutes, Penn told the guys, "Shelly's dad was a football coach." Directed at her he asked, "What would he have said about the game?"

Shelly looked thoughtful for a moment. Then she announced in her prim science voice, "First of all, he would have said," She took a breath and somehow managed to turn her voice at least one octave deeper for her next words which she slurred in a heavy Texan accent, "The ‘Boys would wipe the floor with these wannabes."

The change was so surprising the guys on the couch stared open-mouthed at her. Meanwhile, the girls in the background giggled hard.

For some reason, Shelly remained in the tone that was probably imitating her dad. "Both coaches should be replaced with someone who actually knows what he's doing. Just look at them," She demanded while gesturing sharply at the TV. "Is one of them actually using his head for something other than carrying his ball cap? A toddler could do a better job! You don't run a nickel defense against a single set back. And you don't use a single set back against a nickel defense either."

Shelly had a founded game analysis and a scathing comment whenever anyone asked her about the game. She was actually so entertaining that the girls etched closer to the couch to listen in. However, Penn was glad they were only watching for fun and not because they were fans of either team because he knew Shelly would not have held back.

The third quarter had barely ended when Penn was asked, "Is it socially acceptable if I take my leave now?"

"Sure." He shrugged his shoulders. "Whenever you want to."

Shelly stood up abruptly and announced to the room, "That was diverting. Now, I've got work to do. Excuse me." She fetched her gherkins and was out of the door before anyone could come up with a reply.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As requested by The_Otter_Knight.


	7. Cake and Star Trek Movie Night

Five weeks had passed since the guys had left for to Greenland. The university had not increased the funding for the expedition. As far as Penn understood it the personnel costs were not even of the calculation. Therefore not a single outside expert could be hired and everything had to be done with university employees. This led to Mary Cooper forbidding her daughter from leaving the country. Shelly had made a weak attempt at rebellion but had folded instantly when her meemaw had asked her to listen to her mother.

Knowing that he was the culprit for this made Penn feel glum. On one level, he was sorry for his next-door neighbor. But he was also unbelievably relieved. Shelly was not insane but her issues were so obvious it wasn't funny.

He could come up with more serious problems in under a minute than he had fingers! Would Shelly be able to get the small base clean enough to function? How were the guys supposed to give her the personal space she required? There were so many whats and hows... Was she going to starve herself to death? What clothes would she wear once she had no fresh ones? Penn had witnessed Shelly throwing shrimps away because they were all the same size! He had seen her have a meltdown over the brand of her soy sauce.

Now that he was alone with Shelly his days were completely dominated by doing chores for her. But that was a small price to pay. They had agreed that she would forgive him for his betrayal in exchange for taking over Leonard's chores. He had accepted this proposal because he knew that he’d end up doing most the stuff anyway. And also because he still felt guilty. And he wanted that to stop.

Most days he would eat breakfast with Shelly before driving her to the university. In the afternoon, he would pick her up. They did all their shopping together and ate dinner together. Their evenings were filled with watching TV and playing video games.

In short, Penn had not spent this much time with one person since the very relationship crashed which had led him to move into his current apartment.

On the upside, Shelly had unofficially already forgiven him.  She had not said so. But she was no longer giving him the cold shoulder. And last time, she wrote instructions for her three friends at the end of the world, she had not sent a single glare in his direction.

It was a bit of bad timing when the new Star Trek movie had its premiere on Penn's birthday. “Shelly, it’s alright. You don’t have to bake the cake today.”

“You’re wrong, it has to be baked today. Today is your birthday after all.”

“Yes, it is. But if you bake me a cake on the weekend that will be alright too.”

“We had a deal.” Shelly did not look at him. She was too busy weighing ingredients on a micro-scale. “You’ll uphold your part of it and I’ll uphold mine. No exceptions.”

Penn gave up in frustration. He sat down on the couch and pretended to read a sports magazine. In reality, he was watching the theoretical physicist. He had not seen her work in the kitchen since they left Texas. It was oddly endearing.

Shelly was wearing an apron. Leonard had definitely never seen it. The scientist had been gone for five minutes when she had retrieved it from her room. This could only mean it had literally been buried. It looked exactly like the one she had worn during the preparations for her brother’s wedding. Maybe, it was indeed the same?

A knock made Shelly look up from her task. It was not a knock on her door though. Due to the silence in her apartment, they had heard it from across the hallway.

“Someone is at your door,” Shelly announced. She made the statement sound like a command to go and check.

Penn smirked. “Well, it’s too bad. I’m not home.”

“Social conventions dictate that you answer the door,” Shelly scolded him.

Penn flipped a page of his magazine to uphold the illusion before he answered, “Only your own door.”

“But it is your door which is being knocked on.”

Penn sighed dramatically, “Alas, I’m not home,” He gestured at her apartment. “I’m out.”

Before Shelly could argue him on his bold statement his phone rang. He answered the call hurriedly in hopes the ringing would not be heard by whoever was beyond the front door. Said person was audibly confused, “… ? … ?”

“I told you, I would not be home. I told you I would be with a girl who promised to bake me a cake. Does that ring a bell?”

“… . … ?”

Penn frowned, “And what gave you the idea she’d be baking the cake at my place?”

“… .”

“My bike?” That caught Penn flat-footed. But he'd always been rather good at improvising in theater classes, “She’s living within walking distance. She would think I was an idiot if I used the bike to get over to her.”

“… ? … .”

“Dude, once we're done with the cake, we’ll be going to see a movie. And you’re not invited for that.” It was one thing to swing by but this was becoming bothersome. “We’re having a party for two. Me and her.”

This time, Penn’s friend got it. “… . … .”

“Sure. See you.” He hung up.

“I guess,” Shelly mused. “It would have been mean to rub in that we got premiere tickets for the new Star Trek movie.”

“Yeah,” Penn nodded his head hypocritically. He was totally fine with Shelly not realizing that he had no intention of sharing his birthday cake.

* * *

A waft of fresh bakery was still surrounding Shelly like an aura when they arrived at the theater. Between the smell, her giddiness, and the Star Trek Uniform, Penn was hardly surprised when he noticed some jealous looks. It probably helped that Shelly was for once too preoccupied with being excited to rant about something. At least for tonight, she was a dream girl.

They got to their seats. It was the acoustic sweet spot. After a certain incident, Penn had opted to bribe the guy who was in charge of seat reservations with ten bucks after he learned the seats had been taken.

The movie was kind of good. Better than many others. But it wasn’t the movie Penn was primarily interested in.

He mostly watched Shelly. She was engrossed by the flickering pictures. She was observing the new Spock and Kirk in utmost concentration.

In a way, the movie was perfect. A lot of stuff was happening to Spock. And if there was one character Shelly identified herself with it was the iconic Vulcan. A very small but very pleased smile slipped onto her face when child-Spock beat up his bully. She beamed with joy when Leonard Nimoy appeared for the first time.

When Spock’s mom died Penn was worried for a moment. He remembered very vividly how Shelly and he had read out her old fanfiction. It was about her eleven-year-old self leaving her mother behind to travel through space and help an alien with a sciency problem. Shelly had dissolved into tears. The intense reaction had been so out of character for her, Penn had feared he had triggered some sort of mental trauma.

The word ‘shocked’ was a serious understatement about how he had felt. He had been frightened out of his wits. Luckily, he already had had her mother’s number back then. Shelly had weaved back and forth on his couch for minutes. In between sobs, she had told her mom how much she loved her. And it felt like an eternity until she slowly regained a semblance of control. Her meemaw had something to do with that as well.

Whatever the three other guys thought. Shelly had emotions. Penn had seen them. They were strong and they ran deep. She suppressed them and hid them away under indifference and apathy. Exactly like a Vulcan. He had no idea why she did so. Maybe she was scared of or confused about them?

It was not his place to question her. Neither was he an expert nor could he hope to comprehend what was going on in her genius mind.

Penn was glad Nimoy was not only as a cameo in the movie but had a small plot arch of his own. When he closed the movie by speaking the legendary words even Penn could almost quote, Shelly bounced on her seat with excitement.

Upon leaving the theater, Shelly was oddly quiet. Penn assumed that she was processing the film. Maybe she was even using her magical memory to rewind and rewatch certain scenes.

“What do you think of Zachary Quinto’s Spock?”

“He was facing an ambitious task.”

“Yes, I think so too. But what do you think of his Spock in general?”

“It was different from Spock Prime.”

“Is different bad?” Penn asked cautiously.

“Leonard Nimoy is the better Spock,” Shelly stated categorically. She even looked Penn straight into the eye as if she wanted to warn him about contesting her opinion. “It was especially obvious because they were in the same movie.”

“So, Quinto did a bad job?”

“No. He was okay.” After a moment of contemplation, Shelly declared, “I would not call him the worst Spock of the movie but the second best.”


	8. Visiting a Bar

"It's Anything Can Happen Thursday," Leonard had been repeating the words for the better part of an hour. They felt already like a mantra.

He wasn't the only one running out of patience. Shelly was visibly annoyed by now. "Alright, then leave. You guys want to go to a bar then do so! I'm not coming." She crossed her arms in defiance.

Raj bent over to Howard and whispered something even Shelly's Vulcan-like hearing couldn't pick up.

"Right!" Howard turned towards the only female in the room. "Anything Can Happen Thursday is a social protocol you created. It is supposed to test out new activities as a group. Therefore, you're obliged to participate because of the majority vote."

Raj nodded then whispered something else at his best mate.

Howard nodded in understanding. "Like paintball."

"Yes, that's true," Leonard chimed in. "It turned out that you like paintball despite your aversion of getting dirty."

Shelly bristled. "Going to bars won't be anything like paintball. A fair number of properties of paintball intersect with other activities of ours. Like the indisputable fact that at its core paintball is a strategy game. Visiting a bar on the other hand is like asking for the kind of trouble we've run into on any enforced after school festivity."

Leonard tried his luck once more, "You've never been in a bar. You can't know in advance that-"

"I can. I do."

Leonard glared at her. However, it was not like glaring got him anywhere with Shelly. She had a thick skin. "Fine, then you lack empirical proof."

Shelly's nostrils flared. "Why are you so bent on taking me along?"

"Because-" Howard started only to be interrupted immediately.

"No, no, no, Shelly needs to react to my argument." Leonard always got a bit giddy when he was about to best Shelly at anything. "You can't just dismiss the lack of empirical proof. Can you?"

Her left eye twitched. "No."

Howard and Raj high fived.

It was really hard for Leonard to not rub his victory in but somehow he managed, "Okay, get dressed then."

"First we need to address the matter of where we'll go. There are hygienic standards I won't abandon. And there are protocols in place we all agreed upon. We need to check online reviews first," Shelly went over to her laptop.

Before she could even press the power button Leonard announced. "That won't be a problem at all. We can go to the bar Penn works at. You already drank and ate over at the place. Therefore the bar will be alright as well." Maybe Leonard could not reign in the smirk on his lips but he was only human after all.

The sour expression on Shelly's face was proof of two things. She was only human as well and her friends had bested her in an argument. "Fine, I'm gonna put on the Dress."

She stormed into her room.

Into the silence her departure left behind, Howard asked worriedly, "Something about the way she said 'dress' was off, wasn't it?"

Since Shelly had vanished to her room Raj could speak in a quiet voice, "I didn't even know she owned a dress."

Leonard frowned. "Me neither."

"You got any idea what it looks like?"

Leonard shook his head.

Howard looked at the hallway she had walked down. "Who else thinks she's going to wear something really weird?"

Ray asked in a whisper, "Like what?"

"Something really unsettling bordering on disturbing. Something out of a horror movie. Maybe?"

"You mean like a costume?"

"Definitely. It's the only thing possible. Why should Shelly even own a regular dress?" Howard looked thoughtful. "If we're lucky it might be something like the dress of Mary Poppins. Complete with umbrella and vintage doctor's bag."

"I'm sure it's nothing like that." Leonard waved their concerns away. In truth, he did not care for her dress. He had a big smile plastered onto his face. Who cared whether he would hook up with a girl? He had just bested Shelly in an argument.

When the female physicist reemerged she wore a dress with a bright floral print. It went down to her knee. She also wore woolen tights. And while her dress had a neckline there was absolutely nothing to be seen thanks to her long-sleeved t-shirt beneath it. What added a little girlishness to her appearance was a short jacket.

In answer to the looks, Shelly informed them, "My sister gave me these clothes. She said I should wear them if I went to 'a bar or something'."

"Well, I think she didn't mean for you to wear tights or a t-shirt with it but whatever you're comfortable in." Leonard went for the door.

They got to the car without an incident. Shelly sat in the passenger seat. She had called dibs after all.

* * *

Penn was pretty surprised when he spotted the guys at his bar. And even more so when he saw that they had dragged Shelly along. "Hey, what are you four doing here?"

"It's Anything Can Happen Thursday," Shelly informed him.

Adrian the second guy behind the bar had heard them and said in a lewd tone, "Three guys and one gal that's what I call an Anything Can Happen Thursday."

Penn's hand landed on his shoulder. He turned Adrian around and lead him a few feet away before he hissed at him, "Wrong joke. Wrong audience."

When Penn turned away, Adrian rubbed his aching shoulder.

Shelly looked curiously at Penn when he returned, "What was that about?"

"I told Adrian that I would handle your order."

Which earned him a brisk but approving nod from Shelly. "That is part of the deal."

Penn refrained from asking what deal she was talking about.

Pointing at something behind the bar, Shelly asked, "Is this barstool clean?"

"Nobody sat there since we opened."

Shelly hopped onto it. She looked at the counter. "Can you wipe it?"

Penn fetched a clean cloth – he made a point of rustling the wrapping while pulling it out of a drawer – and a bottle of sanitizer. While wiping down Shelly's place he asked, "What do you want to drink?"

"A Diet Coke please."

"This is a bar. You know that people go to bars and drink alcohol right?"

Shelly made a thoughtful "Hm" sound. She picked up one of the special menus they had laid out. There was a reason the bar was full of women. Their boss had announced a Ladies Night and the ladies had done him the favor of pouring in around an hour ago.

"Those are the prices for ladies," Penn said at the three guys who were studying another menu. "Prices for guys are normal – so basically twice as high."

Leonard spoke for them, "That's alright."

Penn had not failed to notice Raj and Howard glancing around the many female customers. Neither had the ladies failed to notice them. They were currently a little short on guys.

"I'll have a Tequila Sunrise." Leonard had a weird gleam in his eye.

"Excellent choice!" Shelly said and went into a lecture about... density or something.

Meanwhile, Raj pointed at a picture on the menu.

"A Grasshopper?" Penn told himself that he just asked to make sure not because he was thinking anything particular about that choice.

"Sex on the Beach for me," Howard said a lecherous smirk plastered on his face.

"Sure, you can have one but you better tune that attitude down," Penn hissed in warning. "I'll throw you out when the first woman pours her drink over you."

Howard gave him a reluctant nod.

So, Penn started mixing, while he glanced occasionally at Shelly. Once the three guys had their stuff he turned back to her. "Found something for yourself?"

"A virgin Cuba Libre with no vegetables please."

"How many pieces of ice?" Penn asked ironically.

"Three," Shelly dead-panned... most likely without being aware of it.

"So you want a coke with ice?"

"Indeed. And if you could make it a sugar-reduced drink I would appreciate that too."

While the two of them had interacted the three guys had wandered off to chat up a group of three ladies. Only a minute later, Shelly had her nose buried in a comic.

Which was fine with him as he had no time to worry about her as one group after the other ordered new drinks. Women winked at him and patted his hands. They flirted hard with him and Adrian. Some even gave him folded papers with their numbers on them. At least, that was what their friends were supposed to think. In the past, half of those notes turned out to be non-operatable numbers and the other half covered anything from apologies to smileys.

Shelly told him in a huffy tone that he was something like a man-whore since he accepted all those numbers. Penn invested the time to correct her and explained the game to her the women were playing with him - or was that on him? He was not surprised when she didn't understand it.

The next time he looked over at Shelly, she wasn't alone anymore. A woman sat next to her. She had long wavy hair and wore her black dress without a t-shirt beneath it. In short, she was the kind of woman the three guys would have loved to be talking to.

When she noticed him looking at her, she waved him over. "A Manhattan, please." Looking at Shelly she asked, "What can he get for you, cutie?"

Shelly blinked in confusion. "Are you offering to pay for my next beverage?"

"That was the idea, cutie." The woman winked flirtingly. "I'm Megan by the way."

"I'll take another virgin Cuba Libre," Shelly said without batting an eye.

Megan looked alarmed. She squinted her eyes but the light in the bar was dim and so she asked, "You're of age, right?"

Shelly cocked her Spock eyebrow, "Yes, I am."

While Penn prepared the Manhattan and Shelly's virgin Cuba Libre he kind of listened in on the two women at the end of the counter. He had noticed Megan before. He could remember her because she always ordered a Manhattan. She came around especially on Ladies' nights. And he had only seen her talk to single women. He was pretty sure she was a lesbian.

He had never asked. But what if Shelly was a lesbian? She would have had no reason to tell him.

When Penn refilled their glasses a while later, he heard in Megan's voice that she was growing kind of tired of her exchange with Shelly. "Have you ever considered moving to Provincetown?"

"I'm working at Caltech," Shelly explained.

Megan jumped at the chance to finally get their conversation going, "Oh, what are you doing there?"

Shelly explained it with vigor and many long words. While Megan was visibly nonplussed she still enjoyed the enthusiasm she had evoked. Penn left the two of them to their flirting and whatever Shelly was doing.

Penn came over to their end of the bar to cut limes for six Mojitos and he could not overhear Megan swooning, "You have wonderful fingers."

"My fingers are just like any other persons," Shelly replied.

"No," Megan cooed, "They are really long and elegant. I bet you can play the piano!"

"I'm actually proficient at it."

"I'm sure you have a lot of finger-based skills," Megan purred.

Penn could hardly believe how obvious she was about stroking Shelly's ego. But given her reaction, Megan did everything right. The physicist from across the hall preened visibly.

After Penn had delivered the Mojitos, Megan was gone. Shelly was back to reading comics. She had probably never figured out that a lesbian had been flirting with her for half of the evening.

The bar was slowly emptying when Leonard came over to pay and slur, "We'll be goin to do sum dancin. Shelly dosn wanna come alon." He dropped his car keys on the counter. "Get her homy pleece."

Penn was a little bit confused. Leonard had not consumed that much alcohol. Maybe, he got drunk easier because he never drank?


	9. Friendship Agreement

“I'm sorry, I think I misunderstood you,” Penn said staring at the papers in his hand. “What exactly did you call this?”

“It's a Friendship Agreement,” Shelly said it loudly and very clearly - like his hearing was the problem.

“There is nothing wrong with my ears.” He grumbled, “There is no such thing as a Friendship Agreement.”

“You're holding one in your hand. I can't think of a more compelling proof.” Shelly showed her standard reaction to objection, she started explaining, “A Friendship Agreement is a standardized contract that-”

“This is not standard.” Penn weighed the thick stack of paper in his hand. “I've never seen or even heard of something like this before.” He tried to hand it back.

“No!” Shelly squealed. “You need to read and sign it if we want to be friends.”

“We're friends,” Penn corrected the scientist indignantly.

“We're not officially friends.”

“Official friends?” To evade her having act like his hearing was the problem, he hurriedly explained, “There is no such thing as official friends.”

“Yes, there is. Just think of your online friends.” Shelly's answer came without missing a beat.

“That's not a very good argument. The 'friends' on your online profile are not really 'friends' – most of them are just people you know of.” Penn was surprised how harsh that sounded but beating around the bush was the exact opposite of what you wanted to do whenever Shelly was involved.

His neighbor looked with big eyes at him. To evade getting sidetracked, he held the stack of papers under her nose. “This is not how friendship works.”

“I’ll have you know that it works well enough,” Shelly replied haughtily. “You can ask Leonard or Raj. Or even Howard.”

“They signed this?” Penn flipped to the last page.

Shelly sighed in exasperation, “They have their own copies, naturally. It would hardly be a binding contract without their respective names on it.”

“You mean to tell me this is legally binding?” Penn was shocked.

“It wouldn't be a contract if it wasn't legal and binding.” Shelly glowered at him. “If it wasn't legal and binding it would be a declaration of intent or whatever such drivel is currently called.”

“They signed a copy of this?” Penn flipped it open at a random page.

“Personalized versions actually,” Shelly informed him in a neutral tone.

His curiosity got the better of Penn as he turned back to the front page to check out what kind of nonsense the guys had signed to make Shelly stop pestering them.  
The first pages were very, very general and like a dictionary. Why Shelly thought it was necessary to explain basic terms like what a favor was, was beyond him. Penn almost skipped all of it but luckily his eyes spotted the word reciprocal in the middle of a massive paragraph. It turned out to be the preamble. Did Shelly think that she was the UN – or why had she bothered to write a preamble? Very grumpily, Penn read it. “So this contract is more or less revolving around balancing favors?”

Shelly had followed him into his flat and had sat in her usual spot on his couch. “Yes, it is.”

She looked so eager and excited. Penn cursed himself. Why was it so hard to tell her off? She made him do stuff all the time. Somehow, his willingness to help was triggered all the time by her. Not without resignation, he realized that this contract might be a good idea for him.

Some minutes later, he asked, “I have to drive you to the doctor?”

“Yes.”

“Even in the middle of the night?”

“In emergencies that don't justify calling an ambulance.” The line was a quote from the contract.

“I'm pretty sure that it's not an emergency if calling an ambulance is not justified,” Penn commented dryly.

“If you need an example think of toothache.”

“How would you even reciprocate that? You don't have a driving license,”

“The contract is not about balancing one favor with an equal one. It is meant to balance our mutual favors as a whole.”

Which made sense, thought Penn. They'd have to start a tally list otherwise. Shelly probably had one in her head. “Are you currently indebted favor-wise to me?”

“Slightly.”

“And through what kind of favor are you going to rectify that?” He asked curiously.

“I’ll do your tax and I'll also keep on paying for your food.”

“You’re paying for my food?” Penn blinked in confusion. “I thought we were taking turns.”

Shelly looked in confusion at him then frowned. “You mean to tell me that Leonard, Howard, and Raj never paid you anything?”

“Why should they? We were taking turns getting the take out. Besides I've never seen you giving money to anyone either.”

“Why would I use cash in a world in which I can digitally transfer money and circumvent the germs spread by its physical form?” With a delighted smile, Shelly announced, “Don't worry, I'll calculate how much each of them owes you.”

“They owe me nothing. We're taking turns paying for food.”

“No. We're not! I'm paying for your food.” Shelly said determinedly. “Because in a world in which I do not pay for your food, I would owe quite a lot.” Her voice got much an impressive panicky tone at the end that Penn decided to not get involved in this. Shelly could fix this with the three other guys.

Once more in control of their discussion, she told him, “I’m paying Leonard’s, your’s and my portion in full and am subsidizing Raj’s and Howard’s with thirty percent each.”

“You’re paying us with food to be your friends?” Penn summarized.

“No, I’m compensating your favors by repaying them with favors of my own – inviting you to dinner. It's a classic social construct.”

“And that is what this is about?” Penn tapped the papers.

“See, that wasn’t so hard to understand, was it?”

“Like I said before that’s not how friendship works.”

“I'll have you know that it works very well! I just wrote down what we’re doing anyway.”

“If we're doing it anyway. What's the purpose of this?” Penn waved the contract dramatically – like he was in a play and Shelly was his audience.

“Why do you have to be like that? Are you trying to ruin everything? You know that I can’t stand uncertainty or owing somebody. If I owed you something I’d have to constantly watch out for opportunities on how I could repay you. Do you know how taxing that is?”

“You don’t have to repay every favor.”

“Yes, I have to! I can’t be not aware of such things. It’s like fumes of smoke are constantly wavering through my mind and making me mentally cough.”

Penn almost said a few very unfavorable words but there was something about Shelly's tone which made him hesitate. He realized that Shelly was reluctant about using similes and rarely used metaphors. She had ranted about the difference just a few days ago. “Mentally cough?”

“Nobody ever understands that!” Shelly whined in frustration. “How can you be so unaware of everything?”

“Me?”

“Not just you, everybody!” Shelly started venting a frustration Penn had never realized existed. But soon he soon learned was very real for his neighbor. “It’s like every human I ever meet is only occasionally using his mind or memory. Everybody spends most of their life in mental standby. What's so hard about using one's mind and memory at all times?”

Penn's first impulse was to tell Shelly off and that they were all using their heads constantly. But, before he could do so he thought of all the times he had told Shelly to relax or go easy and how she had never done so.

“Okay, I'll have a look at it.”

Shelly smiled happily.

Then Penn tried to signal her with looks that he would like to do so without her sitting next to him. But his significant looks and nodding in direction of the door were completely ignored. “You could do some science stuff while I'm doing so.”

“Oh!” Shelly gasped. “I get it.” She winked exaggeratedly at him and left.


	10. Marriage Planning

Regular Thursday evenings were movie nights. They were currently watching that zombie movie with Will Smith. Penn had forgotten its name but he wouldn't ask for it because there was no chance to get a short answer with Shelly sitting next to him.

It was hard to believe but the four scientists had haggled all week over which movie to watch. Penn's input on the process had been his demand to watch the movie with the director's commentary turned off.

Shelly was just through with explaining – unasked naturally – how the vehicle used as a counterweight in one scene was way too heavy to make the trap plausible when Penn had a weird thought.

He looked to his left where the only female member of the group sat. He stared at her profile in the semi-dark of the living room. Thoughtfully, he said, "Shelly, you plan everything in detail and in advance."

When Shelly interrupted him Penn realized that he had spoken too slowly. "Only careful planning and consideration of all facts allows one to achieve the optimal outcome in one's ventures."

"You still bought a Microsoft Zune." Leonard quipped which made Howard and Raj chuckle with barely suppressed laughter.

Before Shelly could launch into a lengthy explanation how she had happened to make that decision, Penn butted in, "You've made me sign safety and back-up plans for all kinds of natural catastrophes, potential wars - including an invasion of California from the midwest - and even different scenarios of zombie-apocalypses." He gestured at the TV.

"Please be aware of medical emergencies," Shelly added, "And also alien invasions."

Penn assured her, "Yes, I'm especially aware of those."

"Very good," Shelly nodded excitedly at the screen. "Watch there is the famous advertising panel with the Batman and Superman crossover! I have it on good authority that this shot in the movie was essential for..."

"Batman v Superman was an awful movie!" Howard interrupted Shelly's lecture indignantly.

The engineer and the physicist argued for more than ten minutes before Leonard put an end to it.

It was only when another frame focused on Will Smith's supposed movie family that Penn remembered how he had meant to ask Shelly about a very specific issue. "About what I said before, with all your scenarios and plans taking care of all these unlikely possibilities I have one question. Have you ever considered marrying and or having children?"

Shelly glanced at him in that cool dispatched way of hers. "I owe it to humanity to pass on my genius to the next generation. That said I consider marriage a precondition over having children."

Sometimes, it was really hard for Penn to understand his female neighbor. How she could be so off-handed about something this important was a mystery to him.

Leonard stared dumbly as well.

Raj furiously whispered something into Howard's ear who nodded mutely.

"Raj would like to know if you're planning on abducting someone for that purpose? I mean, should we send a word of warning to Leonard Nimoy?"

Shelly huffed in annoyance.

Considering the glare, the selectively mute Raj was giving Howard that was not what he had asked at all.

And that was how Howard killed one of the most important conversations they ever had with a dumb joke.

Penn felt like punching him when Shelly started an annoyed tirade which lasted for the rest of the movie.

Realizing his mistake, Penn brought the topic up the very next time he was alone with Shelly which so happened to be two days later – laundry night on Saturday. "So, about yesterday. How is this marriage stuff going to happen according to your plan?"

"This is not the time for idle conversation. This time slot is reserved for doing laundry," Shelly informed him while diligently measuring the amount of detergent she was about to use on her t-shirts.

Penn deftly stuffed his clothes into one machine.

"You're overloading the machine. This will result in a sub-par cleaning of your garments," Shelly squeaked.

"This is my-"

"I'm not going to answer any questions if you don't split that load onto two machines!"

Penn groaned but did what had been asked of him.

Once all machines were doing what they were meant to, he tried again, "So tell me about your super-detailed plan for marriage."

And like it was not the most intimate information they had ever shared the theoretical physicist told him every detail. Penn had never heard someone talk that detached and impersonal about getting to know someone, moving in, marrying, and having children.

He felt like he should point out quite several things but instead, he kept his mouth shut and listened. "How will you find this person who will become your husband? Or did you already manage that feat and just never thought it was worth mentioning?"

Shelly looked coolly at him. "He'll be a scientist. Therefore I'll meet him at work. Which is where sixteen percent of people meet their future spouses." After barely a moment she added, "Or at a conference." Another short pause. "A medical doctor would also be acceptable."

"So by including conferences and doctors, you raise your chances to twenty percent?"

"That's not how that works. The statistics merely tell us-"

Before his neighbor could launch one of her feared monologues Penn asked, "So have you already met him?"

Shelly scowled at him for interrupting her. "No, I have not."

"And when are you planning to get married?"

"In two years and three months."

Penn was wise enough to not ask how old she would be. "So, I guess you also have a list of must-have attributes for your future spouse beyond him being a scientist?"

"Naturally. Do you want me to mail you a PDF detailing the requirements?"

Penn knew he shouldn't get involved in this but once more curiosity got the better of him. "Sure." They still had a lot of time before the washing machines would finish therefore he asked, "How many men met your demands so far?"

"Why is that of importance to you?"

"Since when are we allowed to reply to one question with another?"

Shelly glared at him for using her own argument against her. "None were adequate so far."

"You know what? I'm growing more curious about the list by the minute," Penn told her cheekily.

"I'll send you the copy as soon as I return to my apartment."

Penn nodded absentmindedly. "At the risk of spoiling the surprise for me, will the list describe a male version of yourself?"

Shelly considered the question before she answered, "Crudely spoken, yes."

Given Shelly's usual ignorance in most matters of social interaction, it was probably superfluous for Penn to level his voice to not give his opinion away when he asked, "And do you think that is a good combination?"

"It's the perfect combination. How could there be any better? Let's assume I would find a person who meets all requirements instead of the ninety-five percent I'm aiming for – or as you labeled it a male version of myself. If I was to engage a relationship with a person who shared all of my opinions and knowledge then we would never have a reason to disagree. Consequently, we would never waste precious time with idle discussions. Free from social conflict, we could concentrate our attention on more productive endeavors."

"And you'd also have no way to get anywhere because neither of you will own or be able to drive a car."

"The majority of people have a driver's license. It is highly unlikely that my future spouse would have none."

Their discussion ended with that line as Shelly refused to talk to him while she folded her clothes.


End file.
